A Diva State of Mind

Based on a recent conversation, I feel as though it is important that the notorious EGO Trap be revisited. 

Here is Ego Trap Part 2, so eloquently written by L. Pascoe. Enjoy! 

Ladies, Ladies, Ladies…(and, where appropriate, Gentlemen)…shaking my damn head. The ego (if you don’t know what that means, check out Ego Trap), has men and women acting STUPID. Not dumb, but straight STUPID. Just because you experienced the ego with a guy and he may have been your best (wink-wink), DOES NOT- I repeat – DOES NOT MEAN that you guys are meant to be together. Now, I know this may make things complicated. You experienced your friend’s ego, your world shifted in its place and now your hunger is insatiable for anything but that special friend’s ego stroke. Even if feelings weren’t there to be caught, guess what…they’re at the dinner table now. I had a friend once tell me, “Not only is he doin’ it, he’s doin’ it well…and that ALWAYS makes a difference.” And I honestly do not believe any of us can contest this statement, we all know it’s the truest story ever told.

Okay, but wait, now, the question that might be in the back of your mind: is there ever the possibility of you guys being just friends again? Whelp, sometimes there is but a lot of times there isn’t. But that was the risk that you took when you rolled the dice with your friendship to get yours. So, really, you can’t get mad if things don’t work out the way you want them to.

My male friends have told me several times that generally guys don’t go out seeking female friendship. Further, at some point, they have found most of their female friends attractive. And, with that said, it is safe to assume that should the opportunity presents itself, it’s not even a question - they’ll capitalize. And that seems to be the problem – guys are, more often than not, always ready and willing to forsake a friendship for a ____ (alliteration people.. I know you get it). Ladies, however, being emotional creatures, we thrive off relationships of all kinds; so when we experience that have mercy, life-changing ego, going back to being strictly platonic seems completely out of the question.

SIDENOTE: I love the word “relationship” – covers all matter of sin, doesn’t it?!?

I digress. At this point, when the rules of game change, ladies start to act STUPID. Always making that effort to call or see or bend over backwards or walk on water for this “guy friend” in the vain hope that if you hang out with him again or if he sees you again, if you help him with this, that or the third, if you part the damn sea for him that maybe, just maybe, he’ll see the light and realize that you’re the one and he’ll want to be with you. PAUSE: if you’re putting in all of that effort and it’s not being reciprocated, you may want to take a step back and re-evaluate the scope your “relationship.”

But, I’ll humor you and take this one step further, say he does “see the light” and agrees to giving a bona fide relationship a shot…. Even after he’s told you OVER and OVER that’s not what he’s looking for - that’s not what he sees for the two of you - that IT’S JUST SEX. Okay. But since that all fell on your deaf ears because YOU want to be with him. Ultimately, that relationship will never work and let me tell you why. He didn’t really want to be with you in the first place, but you pressured him into the relationship. He will not be faithful. And when his infidelity surfaces and you’re all hurt, wondering “why did he do this to me? He’s such an ____ (insert appropriate explicative here)” and have finally come to the realization that the probability of you being friends with him has now completely dissipated - blame no one but yourself, dolly.

So what’s going on? What’s happening? What’s all this about? My point, first and foremost, is this: Make no mistake, a guy knows when a girl is sprung. So what does he do? He most likely will play with your emotions, lead you on, play his position and he may even sell you dreams, but even if he doesn’t, it won’t matter because he knows you’re hanging on any vapor of hope, too sprung to move on. He has no reason to change what he’s doing or the rules of your situation, he’s reaping all the benefits of being in a relationship without actually being in one.

Operation: playing his position. Nothing more, nothing less. Yes it really is just that simple.

My advice: Read the signs ladies and take heed. Don’t get me wrong. I’m all about everyone getting theirs. Just make sure all parties are on the same page at all times. Otherwise, don’t be surprise when and if you find out that your “splackavellie” (yes I sure did take it back to that) is a homie-lover-friend to someone else too.

I was talking to one of my girls the other day and she mentioned how she has given up on guys.  I guess you could say she’s tired of them being inconsistent.  There was this one guy she was talking to at the beginning of the summer; he would fly her down to where he was to visit, he would call, they would spend weekends together.  Let’s just say he was putting in work.  All of a sudden, at the end of the summer, he falls back.  He isn’t around as much & doesn’t call as often.  Now most of you would say, sounds like a summer fling. Summer is now over so let’s move on.  And I pretty much gave her the same advice, if he is no longer putting in the effort and you feel like you’re doing too much, time to let it go and move on.  But there is one problem she told me, the sex is LIFE CHANGING!!!!

Those are her words not mine lol.  And then I told her, it always comes down to the sex! I guess if it wasn’t life changing, she would’ve moved on by now and just forgot about the guy but oh no,  she “likes” him and it’s soooooo amazing.  Then I thought, it always comes down to the “male ego” (that’s what we’ll call it lol).  You can be the smartest woman in the world, but if he knows what he’s doing, you’ll walk around like a lost puppy looking for her owner, not knowing what to do with yourself; “do you move on” or wait around for him to come because you can’t let THAT go??  Somehow good judgment always gets thrown out the window!! SMH

But don’t get me wrong, it’s not just females that fall into the EGO trap.  Guys can get wiped too! What ever happened to mind over matter people?!?! Believe me, I’m sure it’s life changing, but is it worth the stress of not knowing if he/she will come around again; the more battles you have in the relationship than good times, etc?? I DON’T THINK SO!!! I know it’s a hard thing to do, but it’s ok to let things go and move on.  I’m sure there will be better egos down the road that bring the entire package: a great ego and has the desire to be with you because they are genuinely interested.  Let’s not fall for the ego trap; it seems to get us all too often!

Where does this sense of entitlement guys seem to have come from?? One of my friends, Laura*, met this guy and he really thought she was one of those around the way girls.  If she didn’t want to come over at 3am in the morning to  “hang out” or if she didn’t wasn’t willing to see him on her terms, he would get upset and start cursing at her.  Please note, Laura and this guy have known each other for less than 3 weeks.  While I was sitting there on the phone listening to my girl tell me her story, I thought to myself, who is this dude?? And where does he get this sense of entitlment from? Fellas, please know the type of females you are approaching so you don’t get your feelings hurt, b/c the ladies I hang with are not the “around the way girls” and we don’t put up with that non-sense.

So back to my original question, where do guys get this sense of entitlement from?? (PAUSE) I KNOW…from these weak, low self-esteem girls out here who think that the key to a man wanting to be with you or getting some “material” things is to sleep with him.  #FAIL.  My sistas out there, sleeping with a man before he even knows your name will not give you respect.  You may get some “quality” time with the dude and he may even make you feel like you’re a star by showering you with a gift or two, but please believe, you are a groupie, jump-off, etc (I would use another word, but you get the point). You are the reasons guys feel they can talk and treat women any way they want and expect something in return; because they have come across you who let them walk all over you and disrespect you.  You have to stop the cycle.  If all the women out here put an end to this foolish idea that sleeping with someone, especially an athlete or celebrity is going to get you somewhere or a title, this sense of entitlement would fade away.  We’ve heard the saying before, ladies we hold the power.  It is up to us to decide how we want to be treated and we must educate each other so one bad appled doesn’t spoil it for the rest of us!

*Her name has been changed