Tag: Relationship

Open Relationship: Relationship Urban Legend or Sheer Brilliance?

Another guest post by LB; Check it out!

Open relationship1 Open Relationship: Relationship Urban Legend or Sheer Brilliance?
The weather had just started to break and the sun was beaming on our faces as we stood outside on my deck, sipped white wine and enjoyed some light conversation. My cousin, a proud 22 year-old Howard University alumnae, was just starting to catch me up on the current events of his life.  He’d started a new relationship and seemed happy. I quietly wondered to myself, how has this 22 year-old “young man” managed to figure “it” out? And then it happened. His lips parted and out came the most ass-backward thing this extremely enlightened college grad had ever said in his life.

When I asked about this arrangement and how it worked he said simply “We’re in an open-relationship.” BOOM! After I picked my bottom jaw up from the hard wood of my deck, I replied with an even simpler statement. “You’re in a what?” What the hell is an open-relationship? What does that even mean and better yet, what world do you live in that you think that’s actually going to work?”

Now keep in mind, had this statement come from your average 22 year-old horn dog who is literally sniffing his way from treat to treat, with the same savagery as blood-hound, I would have considered the source and simply disregarded the statement as I do most of the gibberish that is expelled from the lips of average men. But this man (my cousin) is different. This man is not your ordinary 22 year-old. He’s well read, he’s articulate and more often than not, he will have something extremely insightful to say. So when he speaks, usually I listen.

But this declaration, this relationship blasphemy was apparently the secret to his happiness. The rule was, that neither he or his girlfriend prevent each other from “entertaining” or “dating” people of the opposite sex. All they have to do, is tell one another what’s going on. They have agreed not to have sex with anyone else, but it’s not about sex. The trick is they don’t limit themselves. They don’t put a box around what they have or formulate it into some equation that if altered, results in a break up.

Out of curiosity, I asked, “So which one of you has already violated this agreement?” He replied, “Neither of us have. And the funny thing is, I don’t even want to! I know what kind of situation I have and it makes me not want to date anyone else.”

And then it hit me. My cousin who will remain nameless, just might be on to something. I asked myself why I’ve sabotaged my own relationships in the past and the honest answer is because I always felt confined. I felt like my relationships were advancing to a place where my boyfriend had both hands wrapped around my neck, slowly applying pressure until I felt like my head was going to explode. It’s not that I ever really wanted to cheat on old boyfriends, but I just always end up feeling so confined and unable to breathe. This idea of an “open-relationship” seems as though it would give you all of the bonuses of a “real” relationship, without the gun to your head. It seems smart, if everyone plays by the rules. According to my cousin, being in an open-relationship just makes him want to be with his girlfriend even more. Could it really be that simple?

I doubt it, and here’s why. Ideally yes, in a perfect world, you could be in a relationship with someone and date other people and everyone would be blissfully happy. But that’s not how the world works folks. Being in a committed relationship is about choosing to be with one person. If you’re not ready to make that choice, then you’re not ready to be in a relationship. What my poor insightful and oh so brilliant cousin has yet to learn is that when you’re truly “in love” with someone, there is no one else. You don’t want to be with anyone else because you’re consumed with thoughts and feelings for the one you are “in love” with.  And when you love someone, you don’t want to see them with someone else. You don’t want them “entertaining” someone or leaving even a crumb of chance that they may meet and fall in  love with someone else.

My guess is my little cousin has yet to truly fall “in love” and have his heart stolen in that way. My guess is he really, really likes this girl, but isn’t completely sold on her…if he was, he wouldn’t need that room for entertainment. Or maybe an open-relationship is the way to go. Maybe the freedom of open relationship is just the breathing room that every couple needs. Maybe I’m just the one who doesn’t get it.

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Ladies, When Should You Move In With Him?

living together before marriage Ladies, When Should You Move In With Him?

My friend sent me a message on gchat last week asking me to do a blog post about ladies moving in with their boyfriends.  I’m not exactly sure what she wanted me to specifically talk about so here are my thoughts!

I never really liked the idea of moving in with a boyfriend.  For me personally, the only person I’d ever move in with is my future fiancé or husband (no I’m not engaged; speaking hypothetically). Having a ring on my finger shows true commitment and seriousness about being together forever.  Believe me, I understand that those who are engaged and married break up and divorce too but there’s something about living with a boyfriend that just screams TOO SOON!

Now we all know boyfriends and girlfriends spend the night and give each other a spare drawer but that’s extremely different than moving in together. You can always go back home! When you live together, you don’t really have that option.  Now I know you won’t have that option either once you’re married, but that’s what you signed up for as husband and wife.

If you’re my boyfriend and we’re just dating, let’s miss each other a little bit.  Go a day or two without seeing each other. It not only makes reconnecting more exciting but helps keep the relationship fresh.  Not living together also gives you time to REALLY get to know each other; what you don’t want to do is move in with someone and then discover their true colors.

When you live together with a boyfriend, you also run the risk of being the milk he got for free (you know the saying “why buy the cow when you can get the milk for free”).  He may never want to pay for the cow!  There are women out there today who have lived with their significant others for YEARS and their man still hasn’t proposed. These women keep holding on and waiting and waiting and waiting.  But why should he get on one knee and ask that life changing question? By living together and not expecting anything more than your current situation, you are saying that it is ok to act like husband and wife without being the real deal.

Some will argue that moving in together is a great way to see if you really want to be together forever. That may be true for some, but hopefully by dating for a long period of time living in separate residencies, you can make that assessment.  Otherwise living together to only find out it wasn’t the best idea is an expensive reality no one wants to have to deal with.  So while the decision is ultimately yours, ladies may I suggest you wait until he has put a ring on it before moving in!

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Ladies, What Number Are You?

kim diddy cassie Ladies, What Number Are You?

Pictured featured on The BVX

One thing I appreciate and at the same time find entertaining is how candid my male friends can be. I’m not even sure how the conversation came about, but one day my friend Russell and I were talking about him and the various women in his life.  I soon learned that guys look at women in numbers; you’re either a  #1, #2 or #3. And since my homeboy was so willing to share with me this theory, I asked him to share his theory with all of you.  According to Russell, you’re either a #1, #2 or #3.  Knowing how guys view you will help explain their behavior towards you.  

In my 33 years of life (20 of those years spent dealing with women), I have discovered that there are three types of women. In talking with my friends and cousins over the years, I have realized that a lot of guys share my sentiment.  The three types of women are based upon a woman’s ideology in how a man must treat her. 

The first aka #1 is “wifey material.” She is a “one and only” woman.  When she’s dating a guy, she’ll be the one asking after a couple months “where are things going?”  You either want to be with her or you don’t; there is no gray area. If you choose to be with her, you are committing to a monogamous relationship. #1 is the woman a man must work hard to sleep with.  She views herself as precious and doesn’t feel that every guy is worth entering her secret garden. Now a lot of men in their twenties and even some in their early thirties may find dealing with this woman too much work.  However, she is ultimately the type of woman all men want to marry. She’s the woman that gets taken home to meet momma. 

The second aka #2 is the “potential.”  This woman embodies a lot of the ideologies of a #1; except being in an exclusive relationship is not as much of a big deal for her. She doesn’t mind just dating with a guy that she likes for a length of time without a clear definition as to where things are going.  Normally, one hears the statement, “We’re just friends,” a lot from her concerning a guy that she likes.  She tends to be a very patient, understanding girl so she doesn’t require a lot of time like a #1 (this is a bonus for a playa).  Depending upon the situation, a #2 will become a #1 and that transition is usually an easy one because for guys, they already know everything about the #2 and genuinely likes her which is why she always remained in the picture.      

The third aka #3 is the “jump-off.”  Aaahhh!! Forgive me I just had a flashback. What is there to say about a jump-off that we all don’t know? Nothing.  Simply put….she is the girl just to keep for a physical relationship.  She is used to not communicating regularly with the guy.  The only time they communicate is when he wants some or he might shoot her a text every now and then just to keep the lines of communication warm.  #3s require minimal time (a playa’s dream come true)…no dates, no long talks on the telephone and she is cool with this, but a guy gets entrance to her not-so-secret garden on the regular!

Now that we all know the three types, I must tell you that there is a caveat.  As we all know, there is no definite in life; not every woman is always her normal type.  Life situations sometime cause a woman to change her type (usually a brief ideology change).   For example, a #1 can act like a #3.  This sometimes happens when she has recently ended her relationship, but she allows the physical relationship to continue because: (1) she is comfortable with only her ex (2) its good….keep it real (3) she thinks the relationship can be revived.  #1s normally don’t act like #3s for too long (sorry fellas, I wish it wasn’t so too) eventually her dominant ideology will kick in and cause her to end it.  Also a #2 can act like a #1 or #3, but again it all depends on the situation.

I know many of you may be thinking, “he isn’t serious?” Believe me he is so serious; we’ve had multiple conversations about the different type of women in his life. I asked my other male friends how they look at women and this view isn’t uncommon.  Some even narrow it down to two categories, either she’s wifey material or she’s not (a jump off).

So the question is, what number are you?

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EGO Trap Part 2

Based on a recent conversation, I feel as though it is important that the notorious EGO Trap be revisited. 

Here is Ego Trap Part 2, so eloquently written by L. Pascoe. Enjoy! 

Ladies, Ladies, Ladies…(and, where appropriate, Gentlemen)…shaking my damn head. The ego (if you don’t know what that means, check out Ego Trap), has men and women acting STUPID. Not dumb, but straight STUPID. Just because you experienced the ego with a guy and he may have been your best (wink-wink), DOES NOT- I repeat – DOES NOT MEAN that you guys are meant to be together. Now, I know this may make things complicated. You experienced your friend’s ego, your world shifted in its place and now your hunger is insatiable for anything but that special friend’s ego stroke. Even if feelings weren’t there to be caught, guess what…they’re at the dinner table now. I had a friend once tell me, “Not only is he doin’ it, he’s doin’ it well…and that ALWAYS makes a difference.” And I honestly do not believe any of us can contest this statement, we all know it’s the truest story ever told.

Okay, but wait, now, the question that might be in the back of your mind: is there ever the possibility of you guys being just friends again? Whelp, sometimes there is but a lot of times there isn’t. But that was the risk that you took when you rolled the dice with your friendship to get yours. So, really, you can’t get mad if things don’t work out the way you want them to.

My male friends have told me several times that generally guys don’t go out seeking female friendship. Further, at some point, they have found most of their female friends attractive. And, with that said, it is safe to assume that should the opportunity presents itself, it’s not even a question – they’ll capitalize. And that seems to be the problem – guys are, more often than not, always ready and willing to forsake a friendship for a ____ (alliteration people.. I know you get it). Ladies, however, being emotional creatures, we thrive off relationships of all kinds; so when we experience that have mercy, life-changing ego, going back to being strictly platonic seems completely out of the question.

SIDENOTE: I love the word “relationship” – covers all matter of sin, doesn’t it?!?

I digress. At this point, when the rules of game change, ladies start to act STUPID. Always making that effort to call or see or bend over backwards or walk on water for this “guy friend” in the vain hope that if you hang out with him again or if he sees you again, if you help him with this, that or the third, if you part the damn sea for him that maybe, just maybe, he’ll see the light and realize that you’re the one and he’ll want to be with you. PAUSE: if you’re putting in all of that effort and it’s not being reciprocated, you may want to take a step back and re-evaluate the scope your “relationship.”

But, I’ll humor you and take this one step further, say he does “see the light” and agrees to giving a bona fide relationship a shot…. Even after he’s told you OVER and OVER that’s not what he’s looking for – that’s not what he sees for the two of you – that IT’S JUST SEX. Okay. But since that all fell on your deaf ears because YOU want to be with him. Ultimately, that relationship will never work and let me tell you why. He didn’t really want to be with you in the first place, but you pressured him into the relationship. He will not be faithful. And when his infidelity surfaces and you’re all hurt, wondering “why did he do this to me? He’s such an ____ (insert appropriate explicative here)” and have finally come to the realization that the probability of you being friends with him has now completely dissipated – blame no one but yourself, dolly.

So what’s going on? What’s happening? What’s all this about? My point, first and foremost, is this: Make no mistake, a guy knows when a girl is sprung. So what does he do? He most likely will play with your emotions, lead you on, play his position and he may even sell you dreams, but even if he doesn’t, it won’t matter because he knows you’re hanging on any vapor of hope, too sprung to move on. He has no reason to change what he’s doing or the rules of your situation, he’s reaping all the benefits of being in a relationship without actually being in one.

Operation: playing his position. Nothing more, nothing less. Yes it really is just that simple.

My advice: Read the signs ladies and take heed. Don’t get me wrong. I’m all about everyone getting theirs. Just make sure all parties are on the same page at all times. Otherwise, don’t be surprise when and if you find out that your “splackavellie” (yes I sure did take it back to that) is a homie-lover-friend to someone else too.

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How Soon Is Too Soon??

How soon is too soon to get into a relationship? A close friend of mine had been dating a guy for 2 weeks and on day number 15, she told us that the guy she has been seeing is now her boyfriend. Excuse me, did you say BOYFRIEND??? You do realize, you’ve only known this person for 15 days.  Do you even know his last name??  I’m just saying…..

Most people usually talk, date (whatever you want to call it) for about 3-4 months before they decide to take things to the next level. Can you really say that you’ve connected with a personal on a deep enough level to make them your boyfriend or girlfriend after 2 weeks? How do you know after such a short period of time that you really want to make things long-term.  Yes at our age, when we enter into a relationship, we are ultimately saying  we want to be in that relationship long-term.

Is the saying really true, “when it’s right, you just know.” I mean we hear about people all the time getting married after 6 or less months of dating.  All I can say in this situation is that I really do hope it works out…

As for me, someone’s going to have to date me for at least 3 months before I decide to make you my boo! You aren’t going to know enough about me after 15 days to decide if you can really stand to be around me and I’m sure as hell not going to know if I want to really be in a committed relationship after such a short period of time.  You’ll be lucky if I remember your name after 2 weeks!

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