A Diva State of Mind

Source: www.123rf.com

Two years ago I wrote the article “Yes, Women Should Carry Condoms.” That year marked the 30^th anniversary of the first AIDS case. Considering HIV/AIDS cases are the highest among African America women, I thought it was important to remind women that we are in charge of our own safety. While many rely on men to carry protection, at the end of the day, we are responsible of what happens to our bodies.

Yesterday I came across an article by Chevy B titled “A“Woman” Carries Condoms. A “Lady” Doesn’t…”  Chevy is big on gender roles and claims that only a “certain type” of woman carries condoms. While I agree that ladies should take their time getting know a guy before engaging in sex, I don’t agree with the idea that only a “certain type” of woman carries condoms. The article is too long to post here, so I’ll highlight some areas that I thought posed as a dangerous message to women:

The woman who carries around condoms is known as “Ms. Ready, Willing & Able” or a “Jump Off” because a female carrying around condoms gives off the impression that she is ready, willing, and able to jump on/off of any guy at any given time. No patience, no restraint, no value!!! Sex should be given to a man once he’s earned that privilege. Once that privilege is earned, he knows better than to show up unprepared. A responsible adult male doesn’t need a woman’s assistance when it comes to carrying condoms… believe me!!! Sex is on his brain all day and all night; He will be prepared!

Jump off- A female who’s ready, willing, able to have sex anytime, anywhere, with anyone just for thrills.

A prostitute carries condoms everywhere she goes because sex is what she does for a living, and she has to protect herself from HIV/AIDS/STDs & pregnancy from the random men she sleeps with. It’s literally “her” job to make sure she is protected because the men approaching her care nothing about her health, and clearly they care nothing about their own if they’re willing to sleep with a prostitute. With this in mind, it makes perfect sense for a prostitute to carry around condoms on a regular basis.

A woman carrying condoms is a huge reflection of her character. It’s far deeper than “I want to be safe”. It’s symbolic of impatience, ambiguity, and promiscuity. Michelle Obama, Oprah Winfrey, 1st Lady Serita Jakes, and hopefully your mother are less likely to carry condoms because they are ladies of strong character, good morals, values, and principles. They respect their bodies, their families, and their reputation enough to have sex “exclusively” with the man they married. Buffie Da Body, Lil Kim, and Remy Ma… on the other hand are more likely to carry around condoms because they exhibit poor character, and lack a good set of morals, values, and principles.

What about a man who carries condoms? Does that make him a jump-off too?? There are plenty of guys walking around with condoms in their pocket but I don’t hear anyone calling them jump-offs. That’s right, that is part of being a man.  Talk about a double standard!!! SMDH!!!

I agree sex should be given to a man once he’s earned the privilege, but just because he has earned that privilege does not mean women should rely solely on him to be responsible. What if he forgets? What if two people in a committed relationship decide to have “surprise sex” and he doesn’t have a condom? Both parties engaging in sex should be prepared at all times!

Junior year I moved into my own apartment and my dad gave me a small box of condoms.  Believe me, I was NOT getting it in, but my dad wanted to stress the importance of being safe and protecting myself.  Does that make me a jump-off because I had them?

In a perfect world, people would not have sex until they were married. But guess what, it is 2013 and people are having sex before marriage.   It is dangerous to tell women they are jump-offs if they have condoms.   It’s an offensive way to say that women should not be responsible for protecting their bodies if they decide to have sex.  Just because one is in a committed relationship DOES NOT mean their partner is always going to do the right thing.

Many men have argued that women who have condoms are looked down on; they aren’t the marrying kind.  Maybe those men are insecure, because I would think any GROWN man would appreciate a woman being just as responsible as he is when it comes to having safe sex.

You can read the entire article HERE. Let me know your thoughts in the comments section!

Lately it seems like everyone is engaged, just got married or having kids.  If you’re in your late twenties and single without kids, do you feel like you’re behind?

Every time I talk to one of my friends, the topic of marriage and kids comes up. She’ll be 28 this year and like me, she is not in a relationship. It seems to really bother her that she’s almost 30, without a husband or kids. I sometimes sit and wonder “damn, is it REALLY THAT BAD that you don’t have either of those things right now?”

Where did this idea of being married and having kids before the age of 30 come from? Do women (and men) fear being consider “old parents?” Has society made us feel like we haven’t accomplished anything if marriage and kids don’t happen at a certain age?

I’ll be 28 in March and personally I don’t feel pressure to be married or have kids right now. Do I want to be in a relationship?  Yes. Am I ready to walk down the aisle right now? No.  Post graduate school, I don’t think I envisioned myself getting married before 30. And I’m definitely not ready for kids right now. I’m still trying to get my life in order; how can I possibly be responsible for someone else??

I was getting my hair done on Friday and the married lady next to me starting talking about how women these days are so pressed for marriage that often times they settle. PREACH!!! Instead of enjoying single life, dating and waiting to find a mate they will call their best friend, women end up settling just so they can have the title of being someone’s wife.  To all of you out there wanting to get married and have kids, please don’t settle!! If you end up not getting married until you’re 30 or 32, that’s ok. That’s better than settling for someone at 28 and not being happy.

Everyone has their own timeline of when they want things to happen in life. Marriage and kids are some of those things we cannot control (if you believe in having children after you’re married). I would hope that while we all pursue living a life of love with a significant other and creating our own families in the future, we don’t feel like we are incomplete or we haven’t accomplished much because those areas are temporarily missing. Let’s have faith that we will receive the desires of our heart when the time is right!

What are your thoughts on marriage and kids?  If you’re in your late twenties, do you feel pressured to get married and have kids by a certain age? 

It’s been a month since I announced my 2012 dating challenge. The purpose of the challenge is simple; become proactive when it comes to my dating life!

Since starting the challenge, things have been going well.  A number of friends have joined too! Two friends signed up for online dating, something I haven’t done (yet). One of those friends was also set up on a date last week.  Others have reached out and asked to be informed when I attend a speed dating event or other events in the city so they can join.  Fellow blogger Shivawn also joined the challenge and talks about her experience so far HERE.

As for me, I have been on a few dates and they have gone well. I also emailed a few friends asking them to support me by setting me up.  Some have started thinking about who they know that I could possibly meet so I’m optimistic that my friends will come through with potential dates.

The plan next month is to research speed dating events in the city and attend at least one before the summer is over. I also hope to find more diverse events to attend to expand the pool of potential dates.  A friend recommended Events and Adventures, a social club for singles.  Those of you taking the challenge, this is something to consider!

If you’re looking to activate your dating life, I encourage you to take the challenge. And the challenge isn’t just for women! Men you too can ask your friends for dates, diverse the events you go to, attend speed dating events (there is always a need for more guys to attend), etc to meet women.

I can say that having an open mind has definitely contributed the success of the challenge for me and my friends so far.  This challenge will not only help us all meet new people, but it’ll also help us step outside our comfort zone and have fun!

 “Life begins at the end of your comfort zone” – Neale Donald Walsch

If you are participating in the dating challenge, how are things going so far?

Last October I expressed my frustration with dating and asked the question Is There Something Wrong With Me? And while I still believe dating is becoming more difficult, instead of being frustrated or feeling defeated, I’m going to commit myself to doing some things that will (hopefully) increase my chances of meeting guys. I’m not saying I have to find Mr. Right, but I am ready to meet go out on some dates and have fun!

A friend and I were talking a few weeks ago about dating and I came up with the idea to give myself a dating challenge; better late than never right? Contrary to what many people think (specifically my friends), I don’t date often and the warm months aren’t usually filled with meeting new suitors. And I know I’m partially to blame for that so this year I want to be proactive and challenge myself to do things differently.

Over the past couple weeks, I’ve brainstormed challenges that I’m hoping will increase my chances of meeting new people, however I’m also seeking any suggestions you may have not listed below.

2012 Dating Challenge:

Contact Friends For Dates – I was reading ESSENCE and Modern Day Matchmaker Paul Brunson suggested to a single woman (who happens to live in the DC area) to contact three friends with strong social circles with who she shared similar values. As we get older our social circles become smaller so it’s important that we seek new ways to meet new people. To my close friends reading this, expect to hear from in the next few weeks

Diversity Events I Attend – One great thing about having a lifestyle blog is that I’m asked to attend various fashion related events in the city. Other times, many people I know or are familiar with (usually fashion bloggers) host their own fashion events. The only problem: the attendees are mostly women! While I love catching up with blogger friends over drinks at stores in Georgetown or U street, attending ONLY fashion events is not going to increase my chances of meeting new guys. So from this day forward, I challenge myself to diversify the type of events I attend. I love fashion events, but it doesn’t hurt to attend a networking event hosted by a young political group in the city either. Can we say men in suits?! If you looking to expand your dating options this year, I encourage you to do the same!

Attend Speed Dating Events – I attended my first speed dating event a few months ago and surprisingly I had a really good time. While I was a little nervous, I didn’t attend with any expectations. I wanted to try speed dating because it was outside my comfort zone. While I didn’t find a “match” at the event, it did provide a little confidence booth; talking to complete strangers about yourself for 2-5 minutes isn’t THAT bad as long as you have an open mind. Hopefully there will be more in the city this year to attend!

Online Dating – Ok so I’m not 100% sure if I’m ready to sign up for an online dating site. I listed it because some relationship professionals ask clients and dating challenge participants to create online profiles. I know we live in a social media world and the stigma that online dating is a desperate move has disappeared; but there’s something about signing up for a site that still freaks me out just a little bit. Shouldn’t meeting people be more organic (through friends, at events, running errands, etc) than by viewing a profile online? An old boss found her husband through online dating and I know a few friends that signed up online a couple months ago. I discussed online dating when talking to a friend about my challenge on Tuesday (we even researched free sites), so I’m considering it. If someone can convince me that it’s something that I should really do, I just give it a try!

Those are just a few ways I plan on challenging myself this year but I’m sure there are more ways than listed. If you have any suggestions that you believe are HELPFUL, please leave a comment below. I’ll be sure to keep you updated on if any of the challenges listed above actually worked!

If you are interested in giving yourself a dating challenge as well, leave me a comment below. We can make sure we hold each other accountable!!

Photo courtesy of Black Snob

Marriage before 30 years old was the topic of discussion the other night on the radio.  Some argue that getting married before your 30 years old is too soon; your twenties should be a time of freedom! In the words of Wendy Williams:

“Today is such a great time to be a woman. In our mother’s generation, women got married in their twenties, and stayed at home ironing men’s shirts. But now women are graduating from college and graduate school at astronomical rates. I think women should spend their twenties having fun, kissing boys, doing your thing, and that the thirties are for marriage. You should never get married until you have stayed in your own apartment—no parents, no roommates, you can come home, sit in your bra and panties in front of the fan. You must go on a vacation by yourself before you get married. Have fun in your twenties! Get married in your thirties.”

As someone who is enjoying her freedom, I agree women (and men) should spend their twenties having fun and doing their thing.  I’m having a great time enjoying my independence and growing as a woman; I love the person I am becoming.  While I desire to date, I couldn’t imagine myself married right now and that feeling may come from the fact that I haven’t found someone I could envision myself being with for the rest of my life.

However, while I think the twenties are a great time for women to live life, travel and chill at home in a bra and panties in front of a fan, that journey is not for everyone and that is ok.  I have two friends who were married by the time they were 25 and honestly I couldn’t image them living any other life. Instead of exploring their twenties independently and with their girlfriends, they are enjoying those moments with their best friend, their spouse.  It should also be noted that they dated their husbands since high school and college so it was about time!

The “perfect time” for marriage is different for everyone. And as someone who believes everything happens for a reason, there is a reason some of us are married before we’re 30 and others aren’t. Everyone’s path is different.   When it comes to matters of the heart, there really is no “perfect time.” When the right person shows up, whether your 25 or 35, there’s nothing you can really do about it.

What do you think? Should people wait until they are 30+ to get married?

If you found out that someone knowingly slept with you while they were HIV positive, could you forgive them?

The new unfinished documentary, 25 to Life, William Brawner is seeking forgiveness.  He was diagnosed with HIV at 18 months old through a blood transfusion.  At the time, HIV was not understood by the world. To avoid discrimination, Brawner’s family decided to keep his status a secret which meant they never spoke about it.  Brawner had unprotected sex with numerous women throughout college and failed to inform them of his status.  25 years later, he is ready to let the world know of his status and that means contacting all of the women whose lives he may have changed forever.

It is disgusting that William Brawner slept with all of these women and didn’t tell them of his status.  At the same time, women need to be more responsible for their bodies. Use protection and know the status of your partners!  No one will protect you better than you can.

This past summer, Modern Day Matchmaker Paul Carrick Brunson issued a summer dating challenge for women. He’s back with a similar challenge this holiday season.  By January 1st, 2012, us single ladies are challenged to ask and go out on at least 10 dates with 10 different men! I know you’re probably wondering, “how are we going to do that?!” Well, it looks like we have to be big girls and take the initiative to ask 10 men out on a date.

Known as the #PCBChallenge on twitter, there are 10 reasons women should participate according to Brunson:

1. Men Are Open To Being Asked Out

2. It’s Not Emasculating

3. You Don’t Really Have To Pay

4. It’s a confidence booster

5. Increase Your Social Skills

6. Comparison Investing Is The Way To Go

7. It’s Time To Do Things Differently

8. Nothing Just Happens

9. Brunson has seen It Work

10.  If Brunson Is Wrong, He’ll Owe You

Over the summer, one of my friends encouraged me to take this similar challenge but I failed miserably! I don’t think I went on one single date because I did not take the initiative to ask. I haven’t decided if I’m going to try the holiday challenge, but I guess I should decide soon since we literally have 5 weeks left in 2011.  I mean I may not find 10 guys to ask on a date between now and January 1st, but one is better than none right?  Plus who wouldn’t want to gain some of the benefits Brunson listed above?

Ladies, are you up for the Modern Day Matchmaker Holiday Dating Challenge? To officially enter, Go to www.facebook.com/PaulCBrunson and post on the wall or tweet @PaulCBrunson stating “I take the #PCBchallenge.” Then identify 10 men and go on dates.  The final step is to report to Brunson on January 2nd with an overview of your process and results.

For more information on the 10 reasons you should participate in the challenge, click HERE.

I have reached a point of frustration when it comes to my dating life. I’m not even sure you can call it a dating life since it has really been non-existent since I was of the dating age.  But when it comes to my interaction with males, it’s really starting to take its toll on my esteem.

Over the years, I’ve been told that I’m pretty, I’m “wifey” material and any man would be lucky to be with me.  However time and time again I have found that those qualities are not good enough or not what men are really looking for.  More often than not, I have found myself interacting with guys who, at the end of the day, think I’m only good enough to flirt with; never anything more.

I will admit that in the past, when it came to dating, I was a little reserved.  But over the last few years, I made a vow to be more open to giving guys my number and appearing more available. I mean, I’m not getting any younger and if I do want to eventually be in a relationship, I have to be proactive right?

So I took the advice of friends to be less reserved and even after doing so I have gotten nowhere!  I gave one guy my number and later found out the reason he never called to ask me out was because I look like I require too much. What exactly is that suppose to mean?! Can men these days not handle a confident, educated, driven, caring and social woman? If that is the case, then I, along with so many other women I know, are in a lot of trouble when it comes to dating!

Now I know some will say “there are plenty of guys that are out there, but you’d never give them a chance.”  However, I do believe that there has to be an attraction from both parties in order for there to be an interest in dating.  This may be one of the many problems contributing to my current status, but I’m just being honest.

The older we get the more serious we become about relationships. I have two friends that were married within the last year while a number of others are in relationships. It never really bothered me before but now that I’m now closer to 30 than 19 (my dad’s saying, not mine), I begin to take a more serious look at finding a mate.

I know I will be in a relationship when the time is right and at this point I have to truly believe that. I do not pray to God to find me a mate; instead I pray that I be ready when he arrives. I understand, I’m currently on my grind to get my business going and continuing to work toward moving past a place of just being so right now probably is not a good time to focus on dating. All I do know that is after hearing one thing (you’re great, you’re so fly, etc), but experiencing another (not being enough) for so long, no matter what I believe, I can’t help but entertain the question, is there something wrong with me?

I am currently reading Gary Chapman’s The Five Love Languages Single Edition and I love it! It is one book I think everyone MUST read.  The first book, The Five Love Languages, is for all of you married couple out there.

According to Chapman, we all have a primary love language out of a list of five:

1. Words of Affirmation
2. Gifts
3. Acts of Service
4. Quality Time
5. Physical Touch

While I won’t go into detail about each one (you can read the book for that), determining ones primary love language is key to better communication and love between you and your significant other, parents and friends. Everyone wants to feel loved by those in their life and understanding how to effectively express that love toward those in your life can be life changing.

My primary love language is quality time (I’m sure some of you were able to easily figure that out).  While reading the chapter on this love language, I felt like Chapman was reading my mind!  If your primary love language is quality time, you seek quality interaction and communication with others. This book provided insight into why I felt the way I did last year about my friendships.

In my True Meaning of Friendship post, I was feeling like some of my closest friends who I had spent a lot of time with over the past couple of years were not giving 100% to our friendship.  I’m the type to always reach out to others via phone call, recommendations to attend an event, etc.  I’ve always been that way and I guess understanding that quality time is my primary language make my actions all more clear.  Those feelings I had last year were an expression of me needing to spend quality time with my friends I considered family.

I say all of that to say, that I HIGHLY RECOMMEND you read The Five Love Languages (Single Edition for those that are not married). After reading the book, if you choose to determine the love languages of those in your life and work to speak those languages, all of your relationships can only change for the better.  If you are going to read the book, I highly recommend discussing each chapter with someone who has already read the book. Each night after reading a chapter, I discuss what I’ve read with a friend and it is a great way to better comprehend the ideas of the book; it also makes for a really good discussion and will most likely give you a different way to look at the way you interact with people.

Do you know your primary love language? To find out, take the assessment HERE.  Your primary love language may not be want you think it is!

Ladies, we have all been in this situation. We’re out at various places (metro, party, grocery store) and a guy approaches us. Instead of nicely turning him down, we respond with “I have a boyfriend” knowing we are completely single and just not interested.

Now one would expect that telling this tale would deter a guy from continuing in his approach, but that may not necessarily be the case. Clutch Magazine last week posted a video from comedian Jerry Lavigne Jr.; he provides men with advice on how to respond when a woman says “I have a man.” The video is hilarious, but at the same time, I’d look at a guy like he was crazy if he reacted in some of the ways Lavigne suggests.

httpv://www.youtube.com/watch?v=3S1fUDwwYkM

Ladies, to avoid a possible psycho reaction from a man that approaches you, just be honest.  Now you don’t have to be rude; nicely let him know you’re not interested and keep it moving!  You should not feel guilty or feel like you have to lie. Plus, what would you do if you lied and the guy went completely crazy in public?! Then you’d be standing there wishing you would have just told the truth and moved on in the first place.

I’ll admit I have used the “I have a man” excuse before in the past, but moving forward, I’ll just stick with being honest!