A Diva State of Mind

I was catching up on my favorite websites and saw these words on Clutch Magazine. I absolutely love it and knew I had to share with all of you.

“It takes courage to grow up and become who you really are.” – E.E. Cummings

 As we go through life, many times we find ourselves changing to fit the needs of others instead of being who we really want to be. While we don’t want to let down our parents, friends, partners, or peers, when we fail to stay true to our own selves, we end up losing. Be bold, be courageous, and above all else, be yourself. – Britni Danielle, Clutch Magazine

Hope you all have a great weekend!!

Last week, the February 2012 cover of Essence was released.  While Gabrielle Union and Dwyane Wade received a lot of praise for looking fabulous and being so in love, a lot of people criticized the relationships:

“…But to put their romantic relationship on the cover of a magazine as an ideal worth celebrating assumes that we all have short term memories and is selling Essence readers (and the notion of Black Love) short. You play how you practice. You can’t start a relationship where one partner is not free and clear from their spouse and expect it to yield something healthy.” Ije commenting on Clutch Magazine

“Of course u can find love at any age when u help him cheat on his wife. SMH that ppl saying how great of a couple they are…just remember how u got him is how u lose him!!” – edm325 commenting on Fashion Bomb Daily

Let me start off by saying I do not condone cheating AT ALL! If you’re in a committed relationships, that is absolutely unacceptable.  BUT, if you and your spouse have decided to divorce, have become legally separated, no longer live under the same roof and are just waiting for the ink to dry on your divorce papers, does that mean you’re free to date??

A divorce settlement can take a few months or it can take YEARS and honestly I do not think it’s realistic to ask any man or woman to wait YEARS before they can start dating again.  I’m not saying you should file for divorce on Monday and hook up with a new boo on Tuesday; that looks a little shady. But I do think that if a divorce is going to take an extended period of time to become final, one should not have to put their life on hold during that time period. That’s unrealistic.

For example, I know someone who has been legally separated from her husband for over 10 years. Do you really think they’ve been sitting around not dating for 10 years!?!? YEA RIGHT!  They have both moved on and dated other people.

We don’t know the specifics of Gabrielle Union and Dwyane Wade’s relationships, but if he and his wife were separated and waiting for the divorce to be final, is it wrong for him to move on and find someone who he can be in a healthy relationships with?  As long as these two are content with their situation, who are we to judge?

People often separate, move out of their marital home, and start dating again before the divorce is finalized. Depending upon the circumstances a divorce can take as little as a few months to as long as a couple of years. I’m not saying I approve of people dating before their divorce is finalized but I don’t think it’s fair to call them home wreckers or adulterers for moving on with their lives before the ink on the papers is dry. – Jamila commenting on Clutch Magazine

What do you think? If You’re Legally Separated, Are You Free To Date? Would you ever date someone going through a divorce? Why or why not?

HAPPY NEW YEAR! I hope you all had a great weekend bringing in the new year with friends and family.

While every year is one of growth, 2011 was definitely a year of some of the biggest ups and downs I have experienced. But those experiences have helped shape me into the person I am today; I must say that I love the woman I am becoming. I am the most comfortable I have ever been in my own skin and genuinely happy.

So with the excitement of a new year and being in a “good place,” I started thinking about creating a bucket list. Often times we are limited in living and being our true selves out of fear.  A bucket list is a great way to break out of my comfort zone, do things I’ve thought I’d be too afraid to do and really just live life!  After all, we only have one so might as well make the most of it!

While I haven’t sat down and created a complete bucket list yet (and the list will grow over time), here are just a few things I’d like to do in my lifetime in no particular order:

1. Ride a motorcycle
2. Learn to salsa dance
3. Travel to Italy & Paris
4. Travel to Hawaii
5. Shoot at a gun range
6. Travel to Los Angeles
7. Run  a 10K marathon
8. Become a stylist/brand ambassador for major designer label*

*career aspirations can be on the list, right??

Lifestyle Blog Award, With Stacy London, Me & my blogger boos

I know the older we get the faster time goes by, but this year seemed to go by extremely fast! It feels like I was just partying in DC celebrating the arrival of 2011 and now 2012 is only 4 days away!

As 2011 comes to an end, I want to take a moment and reflect on this year.  It has been an amazing one for me personally and for the blog. The blog hosted its first give away for tickets to see the Broadway hit THE MOUNTAINTOP.  I attended elite fashion events like the House of KAS One Year Anniversary Fashion Show and Pink Rocks The Runway Fashion Show which included the Spring 2012 presentation by Christian Siriano.

I attended the Style for Hire workshop in March, learning styling techniques from one of the best personal stylist in the industry, Stacy London. The workshop was great and becoming an apprentice really verified for me that I do have what it takes to be a personal stylist.

This year, I, like so many others, joined the Capital Area Fashion & Beauty Bloggers (CapFABB) group, attended some great events and met some amazing women.  They are creative, fly and working hard to change the way society views fashion in DC. What I love about the women I have met is that they are very supportive. We are all working hard on our own projects but also working to help each other not only become better bloggers, but break into the fields we all eagerly want to have a career in (designer, public relationships, stylist, professional photographer, etc).  I can’t wait to see what everyone has in store for 2012!

Last but not least, my greatest blog accomplishment is winning the award for the 2011 Black Weblog Awards Best Lifestyle Blog.  Honestly, I did not expect to win, especially considering the competition!! Thank you so much for taking the time to read my post each week, share the blog with friends and vote for the blog.  I am truly humbled by your readership and support. I know there are a plethora of blogs out there to read and I’m so glad mine is one on your list.

As you all know, not only is A Diva State of Mind a blog but it’s also a personal styling business.  While I don’t have any major changes coming to A Diva State of Mind (not planned at the moment anyway), I will try to include more “Ask Keri” and style related post on the site.  I hope you’ll continue with me on this journey as I continue to work to make A Diva State of Mind the best lifestyle blog and styling business it can be!

If there are any topics, styling questions, etc you’d like to see on the blog in the New Year, please let me know at Keri@adivastateofmind.com 

I hope you all have a fabulous and safe weekend celebrating the New Year!  New posts will be up next week!!

On last night’s episode of “Love & Hip Hop”, Chrissy struggles with what she wants to do next in terms of her relationships with Jim Jones. Last year, she proposed to him in front of family and friends.  However, they haven’t really moved forward in their relationships since (meaning he hasn’t bought her a ring and they haven’t made any plans for a wedding).  Chrissy is now trying to decide whether or not she wants to move on from the relationship because she is ready for marriage but Jim Jones doesn’t appear to be moving in that direction any time soon.

Ladies, if you were in a relationship, had been together for years and felt marriage was the next step, how long would you wait around until your man was ready for marriage?  I’m not talking about both of you deciding after a certain number of years that you’re ready for marriage.  I’m talking about if you were in Chrissy’s situation. You have had been there for your man through thick and thin, supported him in all his endeavors, showed him unconditional love, and felt that it was time for marriage (and expressed that to him) but he hasn’t shown the same eagerness in return, how long would you wait?

In Chrissy’s case, there is nothing more she can do. She has literally done it all to prove she loves Jim Jones and is ready to become his wife.  On the preview for next week’s episode, we see Chrissy take a break and travel to Miami. I guess she leaves Jim Jones at home to “think about their situation.” According to blog sites, while in Miami, Jones does propose, but you can’t help but wonder: did he do so because he really wanted to or did he do so because he felt pressure from Chrissy?

It’s not secret; if a man is getting the milk for free, many times (not all), he isn’t going to be in a rush for marriage. Why should Jim Jones be in a hurry to get married? He loves her. They have been together for seven years and live together.  She has already proposed, he wears the ring she gave him and acknowledges her as his partner by “default” (his words, not mine).

Personally, I don’t know if I could stay. I don’t believe that a woman should have to “beg” for a man’s hand in marriage. After awhile I’d get tired of wanting something my significant other doesn’t appear to want for the relationship. I know I know, some men are scared. Others love the woman they are with but think things will change once the marriage title is added to the relationships.  While I commend Chrissy for going after what she wants by proposing to Jim Jones last year, that’s not something I would’ve done; call me old fashion!  A man who loves a woman unconditionally and wants to spend the rest of his life with her will put aside his fears and step up.

I also think that if I have done all I can to express my love for a man and desire to want to spend the rest of my life with him and that is not reciprocated, it’s probably time to take a step back and re-evaluate if that’s really a situation we need to be in. Especially if both parties’ expectation for the relationship are not the same.

Ladies, if you’re ready for marriage and he isn’t, how long do you stay until he is?

If you found out that someone knowingly slept with you while they were HIV positive, could you forgive them?

The new unfinished documentary, 25 to Life, William Brawner is seeking forgiveness.  He was diagnosed with HIV at 18 months old through a blood transfusion.  At the time, HIV was not understood by the world. To avoid discrimination, Brawner’s family decided to keep his status a secret which meant they never spoke about it.  Brawner had unprotected sex with numerous women throughout college and failed to inform them of his status.  25 years later, he is ready to let the world know of his status and that means contacting all of the women whose lives he may have changed forever.

It is disgusting that William Brawner slept with all of these women and didn’t tell them of his status.  At the same time, women need to be more responsible for their bodies. Use protection and know the status of your partners!  No one will protect you better than you can.

This past summer, Modern Day Matchmaker Paul Carrick Brunson issued a summer dating challenge for women. He’s back with a similar challenge this holiday season.  By January 1st, 2012, us single ladies are challenged to ask and go out on at least 10 dates with 10 different men! I know you’re probably wondering, “how are we going to do that?!” Well, it looks like we have to be big girls and take the initiative to ask 10 men out on a date.

Known as the #PCBChallenge on twitter, there are 10 reasons women should participate according to Brunson:

1. Men Are Open To Being Asked Out

2. It’s Not Emasculating

3. You Don’t Really Have To Pay

4. It’s a confidence booster

5. Increase Your Social Skills

6. Comparison Investing Is The Way To Go

7. It’s Time To Do Things Differently

8. Nothing Just Happens

9. Brunson has seen It Work

10.  If Brunson Is Wrong, He’ll Owe You

Over the summer, one of my friends encouraged me to take this similar challenge but I failed miserably! I don’t think I went on one single date because I did not take the initiative to ask. I haven’t decided if I’m going to try the holiday challenge, but I guess I should decide soon since we literally have 5 weeks left in 2011.  I mean I may not find 10 guys to ask on a date between now and January 1st, but one is better than none right?  Plus who wouldn’t want to gain some of the benefits Brunson listed above?

Ladies, are you up for the Modern Day Matchmaker Holiday Dating Challenge? To officially enter, Go to www.facebook.com/PaulCBrunson and post on the wall or tweet @PaulCBrunson stating “I take the #PCBchallenge.” Then identify 10 men and go on dates.  The final step is to report to Brunson on January 2nd with an overview of your process and results.

For more information on the 10 reasons you should participate in the challenge, click HERE.

I have reached a point of frustration when it comes to my dating life. I’m not even sure you can call it a dating life since it has really been non-existent since I was of the dating age.  But when it comes to my interaction with males, it’s really starting to take its toll on my esteem.

Over the years, I’ve been told that I’m pretty, I’m “wifey” material and any man would be lucky to be with me.  However time and time again I have found that those qualities are not good enough or not what men are really looking for.  More often than not, I have found myself interacting with guys who, at the end of the day, think I’m only good enough to flirt with; never anything more.

I will admit that in the past, when it came to dating, I was a little reserved.  But over the last few years, I made a vow to be more open to giving guys my number and appearing more available. I mean, I’m not getting any younger and if I do want to eventually be in a relationship, I have to be proactive right?

So I took the advice of friends to be less reserved and even after doing so I have gotten nowhere!  I gave one guy my number and later found out the reason he never called to ask me out was because I look like I require too much. What exactly is that suppose to mean?! Can men these days not handle a confident, educated, driven, caring and social woman? If that is the case, then I, along with so many other women I know, are in a lot of trouble when it comes to dating!

Now I know some will say “there are plenty of guys that are out there, but you’d never give them a chance.”  However, I do believe that there has to be an attraction from both parties in order for there to be an interest in dating.  This may be one of the many problems contributing to my current status, but I’m just being honest.

The older we get the more serious we become about relationships. I have two friends that were married within the last year while a number of others are in relationships. It never really bothered me before but now that I’m now closer to 30 than 19 (my dad’s saying, not mine), I begin to take a more serious look at finding a mate.

I know I will be in a relationship when the time is right and at this point I have to truly believe that. I do not pray to God to find me a mate; instead I pray that I be ready when he arrives. I understand, I’m currently on my grind to get my business going and continuing to work toward moving past a place of just being so right now probably is not a good time to focus on dating. All I do know that is after hearing one thing (you’re great, you’re so fly, etc), but experiencing another (not being enough) for so long, no matter what I believe, I can’t help but entertain the question, is there something wrong with me?

I am currently reading Gary Chapman’s The Five Love Languages Single Edition and I love it! It is one book I think everyone MUST read.  The first book, The Five Love Languages, is for all of you married couple out there.

According to Chapman, we all have a primary love language out of a list of five:

1. Words of Affirmation
2. Gifts
3. Acts of Service
4. Quality Time
5. Physical Touch

While I won’t go into detail about each one (you can read the book for that), determining ones primary love language is key to better communication and love between you and your significant other, parents and friends. Everyone wants to feel loved by those in their life and understanding how to effectively express that love toward those in your life can be life changing.

My primary love language is quality time (I’m sure some of you were able to easily figure that out).  While reading the chapter on this love language, I felt like Chapman was reading my mind!  If your primary love language is quality time, you seek quality interaction and communication with others. This book provided insight into why I felt the way I did last year about my friendships.

In my True Meaning of Friendship post, I was feeling like some of my closest friends who I had spent a lot of time with over the past couple of years were not giving 100% to our friendship.  I’m the type to always reach out to others via phone call, recommendations to attend an event, etc.  I’ve always been that way and I guess understanding that quality time is my primary language make my actions all more clear.  Those feelings I had last year were an expression of me needing to spend quality time with my friends I considered family.

I say all of that to say, that I HIGHLY RECOMMEND you read The Five Love Languages (Single Edition for those that are not married). After reading the book, if you choose to determine the love languages of those in your life and work to speak those languages, all of your relationships can only change for the better.  If you are going to read the book, I highly recommend discussing each chapter with someone who has already read the book. Each night after reading a chapter, I discuss what I’ve read with a friend and it is a great way to better comprehend the ideas of the book; it also makes for a really good discussion and will most likely give you a different way to look at the way you interact with people.

Do you know your primary love language? To find out, take the assessment HERE.  Your primary love language may not be want you think it is!

It’s that time of year again! Cuffin’ Season aka Cuddle Buddy Season is underway. It’s that time during the fall months when men (and women) look for companionship to keep them warm during the cold winter months as my friend Earl so eloquently explained in last year’s “Cuddle Buddy Season” post.

I knew the season was alive and well, but I had no idea there was a schedule to follow!  The calendar below began floating around twitter last month and I’ve seen it posted on two blogs over the past week.  So of course I thought it would only be right that I share the calendar to help those of you who are fully engaged in Cuffin’ Season stay on track.

Fellas, are you on track with the above calendar? The calendar is obviously written for men to follow. Ladies, do you participate in Cuffin’ Season (Cuddle Buddy Season)?

Check out the guys at Single Black Male for seven tips on how to navigate through the season.