A Diva State of Mind

Source: www.123rf.com

Two years ago I wrote the article “Yes, Women Should Carry Condoms.” That year marked the 30^th anniversary of the first AIDS case. Considering HIV/AIDS cases are the highest among African America women, I thought it was important to remind women that we are in charge of our own safety. While many rely on men to carry protection, at the end of the day, we are responsible of what happens to our bodies.

Yesterday I came across an article by Chevy B titled “A“Woman” Carries Condoms. A “Lady” Doesn’t…”  Chevy is big on gender roles and claims that only a “certain type” of woman carries condoms. While I agree that ladies should take their time getting know a guy before engaging in sex, I don’t agree with the idea that only a “certain type” of woman carries condoms. The article is too long to post here, so I’ll highlight some areas that I thought posed as a dangerous message to women:

The woman who carries around condoms is known as “Ms. Ready, Willing & Able” or a “Jump Off” because a female carrying around condoms gives off the impression that she is ready, willing, and able to jump on/off of any guy at any given time. No patience, no restraint, no value!!! Sex should be given to a man once he’s earned that privilege. Once that privilege is earned, he knows better than to show up unprepared. A responsible adult male doesn’t need a woman’s assistance when it comes to carrying condoms… believe me!!! Sex is on his brain all day and all night; He will be prepared!

Jump off- A female who’s ready, willing, able to have sex anytime, anywhere, with anyone just for thrills.

A prostitute carries condoms everywhere she goes because sex is what she does for a living, and she has to protect herself from HIV/AIDS/STDs & pregnancy from the random men she sleeps with. It’s literally “her” job to make sure she is protected because the men approaching her care nothing about her health, and clearly they care nothing about their own if they’re willing to sleep with a prostitute. With this in mind, it makes perfect sense for a prostitute to carry around condoms on a regular basis.

A woman carrying condoms is a huge reflection of her character. It’s far deeper than “I want to be safe”. It’s symbolic of impatience, ambiguity, and promiscuity. Michelle Obama, Oprah Winfrey, 1st Lady Serita Jakes, and hopefully your mother are less likely to carry condoms because they are ladies of strong character, good morals, values, and principles. They respect their bodies, their families, and their reputation enough to have sex “exclusively” with the man they married. Buffie Da Body, Lil Kim, and Remy Ma… on the other hand are more likely to carry around condoms because they exhibit poor character, and lack a good set of morals, values, and principles.

What about a man who carries condoms? Does that make him a jump-off too?? There are plenty of guys walking around with condoms in their pocket but I don’t hear anyone calling them jump-offs. That’s right, that is part of being a man.  Talk about a double standard!!! SMDH!!!

I agree sex should be given to a man once he’s earned the privilege, but just because he has earned that privilege does not mean women should rely solely on him to be responsible. What if he forgets? What if two people in a committed relationship decide to have “surprise sex” and he doesn’t have a condom? Both parties engaging in sex should be prepared at all times!

Junior year I moved into my own apartment and my dad gave me a small box of condoms.  Believe me, I was NOT getting it in, but my dad wanted to stress the importance of being safe and protecting myself.  Does that make me a jump-off because I had them?

In a perfect world, people would not have sex until they were married. But guess what, it is 2013 and people are having sex before marriage.   It is dangerous to tell women they are jump-offs if they have condoms.   It’s an offensive way to say that women should not be responsible for protecting their bodies if they decide to have sex.  Just because one is in a committed relationship DOES NOT mean their partner is always going to do the right thing.

Many men have argued that women who have condoms are looked down on; they aren’t the marrying kind.  Maybe those men are insecure, because I would think any GROWN man would appreciate a woman being just as responsible as he is when it comes to having safe sex.

You can read the entire article HERE. Let me know your thoughts in the comments section!

Lately it seems like everyone is engaged, just got married or having kids.  If you’re in your late twenties and single without kids, do you feel like you’re behind?

Every time I talk to one of my friends, the topic of marriage and kids comes up. She’ll be 28 this year and like me, she is not in a relationship. It seems to really bother her that she’s almost 30, without a husband or kids. I sometimes sit and wonder “damn, is it REALLY THAT BAD that you don’t have either of those things right now?”

Where did this idea of being married and having kids before the age of 30 come from? Do women (and men) fear being consider “old parents?” Has society made us feel like we haven’t accomplished anything if marriage and kids don’t happen at a certain age?

I’ll be 28 in March and personally I don’t feel pressure to be married or have kids right now. Do I want to be in a relationship?  Yes. Am I ready to walk down the aisle right now? No.  Post graduate school, I don’t think I envisioned myself getting married before 30. And I’m definitely not ready for kids right now. I’m still trying to get my life in order; how can I possibly be responsible for someone else??

I was getting my hair done on Friday and the married lady next to me starting talking about how women these days are so pressed for marriage that often times they settle. PREACH!!! Instead of enjoying single life, dating and waiting to find a mate they will call their best friend, women end up settling just so they can have the title of being someone’s wife.  To all of you out there wanting to get married and have kids, please don’t settle!! If you end up not getting married until you’re 30 or 32, that’s ok. That’s better than settling for someone at 28 and not being happy.

Everyone has their own timeline of when they want things to happen in life. Marriage and kids are some of those things we cannot control (if you believe in having children after you’re married). I would hope that while we all pursue living a life of love with a significant other and creating our own families in the future, we don’t feel like we are incomplete or we haven’t accomplished much because those areas are temporarily missing. Let’s have faith that we will receive the desires of our heart when the time is right!

What are your thoughts on marriage and kids?  If you’re in your late twenties, do you feel pressured to get married and have kids by a certain age? 

In September I told you I met a guy at a restaurant when I ran into a mutual friend. Well, we dated for a few months but unfortunately things ended a couple weeks ago.  Was I disappointed? Yes. But I also understand that all seasons must come to an end, whether it is four months or four years. I know that dating is a process and if I am going to date I will experience many situations that don’t work out before I experience one that does.

This year of the “dating challenge” was an interesting one.  It really became less about the dating challenge activities and more about my attitude towards dating.  As someone who did not date often in the past, deciding to challenge myself and attempt to have some control over my dating life this year was a big deal.   This year was fun and a little emotional but also a learning experience.

Here are a few dating takeaways I gained personally from my own experience and my friend’s dating experience:

1. Being receptive and having a positive attitude makes meeting new people easier and more fun.  And it just may increase your chances of meeting someone whether through a friend or at a restaurant.

2. Move on if you don’t feel any chemistry.  Life’s too short to waste your time or your date’s time.

3. As much as many of us hate to do it, we’re going to have to take a chance and let our guard down if we’re dating someone we really like. Yes there’s a chance things won’t work out but we’ll never know if we’re always so guarded.

4. Don’t pray for a mate and then sit back and do nothing. You won’t find your future mate by sitting on the couch every night.  As Demetria L. Lucas said “Degrees aren’t handed down; they are earned. Promotions don’t just appear; you strategize to get them. Money doesn’t fall from the sky; you work for it. Meeting high-quality men, dating and marrying are not exceptions to the rule.”

I won’t declare a dating challenge for 2013, but do I hope that I will continue to meet new people and date.  The New Year equals new opportunities; I am excited to see 2013 has to offer!

What was your dating experience like this year?

I am still a little indifferent about online dating.  I’m a fan of meeting people organically but I understand it’s also 2012 and times have changed!

Although I was apprehensive about online dating, I was asked to try it for a month!! My friend Nicole* wasn’t having any luck meeting guys so she wanted to try online dating to see if she could meet new people.  Of course she didn’t want to do this alone, so she asked me and my friend Emily* to join her. Last month, Emily and I sat down on my couch with our computers and signed up for match.com.

Signing up for an online dating site takes forever!  There are a lot of questions, which I understand because the site wants to make sure they find the best matches. After creating an account, we were given the option to search for guys based on our preferences. There’s the option to wink at people (similar to poking folks on Facebook) or send them an email.

Now some dudes do the most when you meet them in person.  Unfortunately, it’s no different online!  One guy sent me and Emily the exact same email, word for word. Another guy insulted me; my guess is because I did not respond to his message fast enough.  Two weeks later, he sent me a “hey how are you?” message like he didn’t already email me and insult me two weeks prior. A few others wrote dissertations on what they were looking for and asked “if I was that somebody” (we’re quoting Aaliyah now?) And then there was one guy who asked for my name in 3 different emails.  I think he was getting all of the women he contacted on the site confused. Sigh…

The guys that did send “normal” “hey how are you” messages seemed cool. Some even offered their number, but I just couldn’t get into it. And that’s probably because I wasn’t really interested in online dating, although at the rate I am going I should probably take it more seriously.

Nicole went out on a date with a guy she met on the site but it he wasn’t really her type so they haven’t communicated since. I was proud of her though because she did step outside her comfort zone by signing up on the site and she accomplished her goal of finding a date.

Like everything else, online dating is for some and not for others. If you are truly committed to finding guys to date and you have the energy to be proactive on a dating site, give it a try! You never know, you just might find what you’re looking for. As for me, for now I am going to stick with trying to meet people by being out and about. If I don’t have any luck, I just may reconsider online dating.

Stay tuned for a final dating challenge update of 2012!

*names have been changed

It’s been four months since I announced my 2012 dating challenge and it’s been 3 months since I’ve given you an update so one is longer overdue!

In the first update, I had mentioned I went on a few dates with a guy. The dates went well, however there wasn’t much chemistry and we mutually stopped making plans for future dates (after our last outing, never one of us called or text).  For the rest of the summer, I didn’t go on any dates. I went to a variety of events including a relationship panel/networking/speed dating event (yes it was supposed to be all three in one event). But that ended up being a room full of women with less than ten men in the mix. So let’s just say, I didn’t have the best luck in terms of dating this summer. 

But just when I thought I would go the rest of the year “failing” my challenge, I met a guy last month at a restaurant when I ran into mutual friends.  We all hung out at the restaurant bar chatting for a while and eventually the guy and I exchanged numbers.  Since then, we’ve hung out a few times so we’ll have to see how this goes.  There are still three months left in the year, so the challenge is not over yet.  That’s plenty of time to hopefully attend at least one speed dating event with my single friends (I want to push them outside of their comfort zone) and continue to attend a variety of events with the opportunity to meet new people.

What I have learned from declaring that I’m challenging myself in terms of dating this year is that my demeanor towards guys and dating in general is a more positive one.  I was never one to think “all men are dogs” and I wasn’t ever bitter towards the opposite sex, but I don’t think I came across as receptive to dating in the past as I am now.  I truly believe having an open mind and being positive makes meeting new people easier and so much more fun. 

For those that are still putting themselves up to the challenge, please give me an update!!

I had dinner with my friend Colin on Friday and we started talking about dating and relationships (a topic I think that always comes up between men and women).  He told me there are four vowels that apply to dating: A, E, I and O.  I looked at him crazy because I had never heard anyone say that but once he explained it to me, it made so much sense!

Here are the four vowels of dating:

A: Activity – The date should consist of an activity (this should be obvious).  Do something you’ll both enjoy!

E: Eat – “You gotta feed them” (his words not mine). Women love to eat especially if they aren’t cooking (or paying for it) so the date should include food. As someone who is greedy and still eats like I’m a growing teenager, I agree with this 100%!

I: Intimacy – No this doesn’t mean you get physical right away. What this does mean is that you and your date should spend some time to really talk and learn more about each other.  You could sit on a bench or take an evening walk around the city, but you use that time to get to know each other better.

O: Open – You have to be open to little things and being spontaneous.  Sometimes you have the best time of your life when things aren’t planned or when you enjoy the little things. Every date doesn’t have to be some grandiose gesture.  I would also add under this vowel being open to trying new things.

So as you all continue to embark on the dating challenge this fall or officially participate in cuffin’ season, think about these four vowels of dating.  These four vowels should be happening on  date, but you never really think about it until someone breaks it down like this.  Thanks Colin!

What do you think about the four vowels of dating?

This week, Trey Songz released his new album “Chapter V.” VH1 was hosting an “Ask Trey” session where people could send in questions and one of them might get asked.  To take advantage of the opportunity to have Trey Songz address his most recent single, I tweeted the following question:

For those that are unfamiliar with the song, here’s the chorus:

 I first saw this video on an entertainment blog. The beat dropped, I saw T.I. so I got excited; Trey Songz was releasing another great song that will be played at very party! But when it got to the chorus, I paused.   “Why do we have to be called b*tches?”  Ladies and drinks sounds soooo much better and I’m sure no one wants to be referred to as a b.  Plus, wasn’t he just singing about love on his last single? “2 Reasons” will be one song I just listen to on the radio or out at a party.  I can’t take hearing that chorus over and over again. 

But Songz isn’t the only artist to refer to women as b*tches and he won’t be the last. Hip-Hop and some R&B music is filled with this word and misogynistic imagery.  And let’s keep it real; as much as we (women) complain about it, we still listen to it on the radio, purchase the music on iTunes and sing it in the club.  As many people that hate it, there are just a few more who don’t mind it because “it is just a song” or “they only like the song because of the beat.”  I’ll be the first to admit I have some Hip-Hop offenders on my iTunes.  And as offensive as these songs can be, the real problem we face is when this type of music begins to affect the behavior of men and women. 

Lupe Fiasco released a video called “B*tch Bad” addressing what happens when this mentality of a “bad b*tch” infiltrates to the minds of young children.  Girls grow up thinking a tight skirt and pretty face is what is desired while boys think it is a term of endearment leading to the miscommunication between the sexes.  That is part of the reason why we see women today calling each b*thes and guys referring to women as one.  And as much as we listen to it and just let it brush off our shoulders, at the end of the day, it is not a compliment and the messages that are portrayed today have the power to influence the way we interact with each other.  

Lupe Fiasco, thank you for this!

What do you think of the word b*tch and Lupe Fiasco’s video?

With cuffin’ season right around the corner and many of us participating in the 2012 Dating Challenge, going out on dates is in full swing and can become expensive over time.

Last month, Single Black Males posed this question on their site: Should Women Date Men Who Pay For Dates With Coupons?  When I first saw the title of the article, I thought “Is that a real question? Of course!” There’s absolutely nothing wrong with using a coupon on a date.  But I guess the question was asked because some women don’t appreciate guys using coupons. *shrug*

With sites like Living Social, Groupon, Capital Deal, Scoutmob and more offering great deals for various activities that would be great dates, coupons are a great way to have a good time without spending a lot of money. Dating gets expensive, especially if you’re dating multiple people at once, so why not save some pennies if you can?

I don’t remember which site it was, but one was offering a deal on Fandango, 2 tickets for $9. I purchased those quick and sure did ask a guy out to dinner and the movies.  I’m not sure if I told him I only spent $9 on our movie tickets that would’ve cost over $20 in total, but I had no shame!

Dates should be simple. The focus should be on having a good time and getting to know someone.  If  Living Social is offering a deal to get $50 worth of food for $25 at Park or a discount for a festival or fun activity,  buy the deal and go on a date!  I would hope  your date’s focus is on getting to know you and the experience and not on whether or not you paid full price.

Personally, I’m a simple girl. Go ahead and use that $10 coupon for a meal at Outback or Fridays (can we talk about the vanilla bean cheesecake?!?!).  I’m interested in spending time having fun and getting to know you. I could care less h0w much the date cost.

Would you date someone who uses coupons on dates? Or does the use of coupons make them look cheap?

Blogger and dating challenge participant Shivawn wrote a post last week titled Ambitious & Dateless.  She’s was told by a male friend that men are intimidated by her because she has it together. I’ve heard similar comments from my male friends over the years so I really understood the frustration Shivawn expressed in her post. She writes:

Over the weekend I ran into my old guy bestie from High School. We started chatting about what we were doing and our future plans. He brought up the book I wrote and then stated that he could understand why I wasn’t dating or married. He believes it’s because men are too intimidated by me because I “have it together”. By now I have the stuck on stupid face because I am not anywhere near my goals and then a little attitude because this is the 2^nd time I’ve heard this foolishness. And I have no plans on dummying myself down just to get a “date”. He went on to explain that a man may feel like he has nothing to offer and its easier for me to walk away from the relationship since I have big dreams and plans for my life.

Blank Stare. So I’m confused. Am I not supposed to have dreams that I pursue and achieve so that I can eventually bring something to the table of a relationship besides a cute smile?

Are men really intimidated by women who “have it together?” I know I personally don’t have it together; that’s why I’m working so hard now, but to someone who doesn’t know me it may appear that way.  Is a good job, working on a side business and having one’s own place really intimidating?  Wouldn’t guys want to be around someone like that? Fellas, wouldn’t someone who “has it together” be inspiration for you to pursue a dream you may have had on hold or encourage you to keep going down a particular path that you have felt like giving up? Is that feeling of intimidation really low self-esteem?

Don’t get it twisted, just because women are successful and making a name for themselves doesn’t mean they don’t want companionship. What’s the point of being successful and having it together if you can’t share it with someone?

I believe we all (men and women) should have dreams and pursue them.  Unfortunately for some of us it may take us a little longer to find the one who instead of being intimidated by our dreams and ambition, will want to be there to see us reach our goals, cheer us on along the way and look forward to us giving them the same support.

What do you think? Are men intimidated by women who have it together?

Last October I expressed my frustration with dating and asked the question Is There Something Wrong With Me? And while I still believe dating is becoming more difficult, instead of being frustrated or feeling defeated, I’m going to commit myself to doing some things that will (hopefully) increase my chances of meeting guys. I’m not saying I have to find Mr. Right, but I am ready to meet go out on some dates and have fun!

A friend and I were talking a few weeks ago about dating and I came up with the idea to give myself a dating challenge; better late than never right? Contrary to what many people think (specifically my friends), I don’t date often and the warm months aren’t usually filled with meeting new suitors. And I know I’m partially to blame for that so this year I want to be proactive and challenge myself to do things differently.

Over the past couple weeks, I’ve brainstormed challenges that I’m hoping will increase my chances of meeting new people, however I’m also seeking any suggestions you may have not listed below.

2012 Dating Challenge:

Contact Friends For Dates – I was reading ESSENCE and Modern Day Matchmaker Paul Brunson suggested to a single woman (who happens to live in the DC area) to contact three friends with strong social circles with who she shared similar values. As we get older our social circles become smaller so it’s important that we seek new ways to meet new people. To my close friends reading this, expect to hear from in the next few weeks

Diversity Events I Attend – One great thing about having a lifestyle blog is that I’m asked to attend various fashion related events in the city. Other times, many people I know or are familiar with (usually fashion bloggers) host their own fashion events. The only problem: the attendees are mostly women! While I love catching up with blogger friends over drinks at stores in Georgetown or U street, attending ONLY fashion events is not going to increase my chances of meeting new guys. So from this day forward, I challenge myself to diversify the type of events I attend. I love fashion events, but it doesn’t hurt to attend a networking event hosted by a young political group in the city either. Can we say men in suits?! If you looking to expand your dating options this year, I encourage you to do the same!

Attend Speed Dating Events – I attended my first speed dating event a few months ago and surprisingly I had a really good time. While I was a little nervous, I didn’t attend with any expectations. I wanted to try speed dating because it was outside my comfort zone. While I didn’t find a “match” at the event, it did provide a little confidence booth; talking to complete strangers about yourself for 2-5 minutes isn’t THAT bad as long as you have an open mind. Hopefully there will be more in the city this year to attend!

Online Dating – Ok so I’m not 100% sure if I’m ready to sign up for an online dating site. I listed it because some relationship professionals ask clients and dating challenge participants to create online profiles. I know we live in a social media world and the stigma that online dating is a desperate move has disappeared; but there’s something about signing up for a site that still freaks me out just a little bit. Shouldn’t meeting people be more organic (through friends, at events, running errands, etc) than by viewing a profile online? An old boss found her husband through online dating and I know a few friends that signed up online a couple months ago. I discussed online dating when talking to a friend about my challenge on Tuesday (we even researched free sites), so I’m considering it. If someone can convince me that it’s something that I should really do, I just give it a try!

Those are just a few ways I plan on challenging myself this year but I’m sure there are more ways than listed. If you have any suggestions that you believe are HELPFUL, please leave a comment below. I’ll be sure to keep you updated on if any of the challenges listed above actually worked!

If you are interested in giving yourself a dating challenge as well, leave me a comment below. We can make sure we hold each other accountable!!