A Diva State of Mind

Last week, the February 2012 cover of Essence was released.  While Gabrielle Union and Dwyane Wade received a lot of praise for looking fabulous and being so in love, a lot of people criticized the relationships:

“…But to put their romantic relationship on the cover of a magazine as an ideal worth celebrating assumes that we all have short term memories and is selling Essence readers (and the notion of Black Love) short. You play how you practice. You can’t start a relationship where one partner is not free and clear from their spouse and expect it to yield something healthy.” Ije commenting on Clutch Magazine

“Of course u can find love at any age when u help him cheat on his wife. SMH that ppl saying how great of a couple they are…just remember how u got him is how u lose him!!” – edm325 commenting on Fashion Bomb Daily

Let me start off by saying I do not condone cheating AT ALL! If you’re in a committed relationships, that is absolutely unacceptable.  BUT, if you and your spouse have decided to divorce, have become legally separated, no longer live under the same roof and are just waiting for the ink to dry on your divorce papers, does that mean you’re free to date??

A divorce settlement can take a few months or it can take YEARS and honestly I do not think it’s realistic to ask any man or woman to wait YEARS before they can start dating again.  I’m not saying you should file for divorce on Monday and hook up with a new boo on Tuesday; that looks a little shady. But I do think that if a divorce is going to take an extended period of time to become final, one should not have to put their life on hold during that time period. That’s unrealistic.

For example, I know someone who has been legally separated from her husband for over 10 years. Do you really think they’ve been sitting around not dating for 10 years!?!? YEA RIGHT!  They have both moved on and dated other people.

We don’t know the specifics of Gabrielle Union and Dwyane Wade’s relationships, but if he and his wife were separated and waiting for the divorce to be final, is it wrong for him to move on and find someone who he can be in a healthy relationships with?  As long as these two are content with their situation, who are we to judge?

People often separate, move out of their marital home, and start dating again before the divorce is finalized. Depending upon the circumstances a divorce can take as little as a few months to as long as a couple of years. I’m not saying I approve of people dating before their divorce is finalized but I don’t think it’s fair to call them home wreckers or adulterers for moving on with their lives before the ink on the papers is dry. – Jamila commenting on Clutch Magazine

What do you think? If You’re Legally Separated, Are You Free To Date? Would you ever date someone going through a divorce? Why or why not?

On last night’s episode of “Love & Hip Hop”, Chrissy struggles with what she wants to do next in terms of her relationships with Jim Jones. Last year, she proposed to him in front of family and friends.  However, they haven’t really moved forward in their relationships since (meaning he hasn’t bought her a ring and they haven’t made any plans for a wedding).  Chrissy is now trying to decide whether or not she wants to move on from the relationship because she is ready for marriage but Jim Jones doesn’t appear to be moving in that direction any time soon.

Ladies, if you were in a relationship, had been together for years and felt marriage was the next step, how long would you wait around until your man was ready for marriage?  I’m not talking about both of you deciding after a certain number of years that you’re ready for marriage.  I’m talking about if you were in Chrissy’s situation. You have had been there for your man through thick and thin, supported him in all his endeavors, showed him unconditional love, and felt that it was time for marriage (and expressed that to him) but he hasn’t shown the same eagerness in return, how long would you wait?

In Chrissy’s case, there is nothing more she can do. She has literally done it all to prove she loves Jim Jones and is ready to become his wife.  On the preview for next week’s episode, we see Chrissy take a break and travel to Miami. I guess she leaves Jim Jones at home to “think about their situation.” According to blog sites, while in Miami, Jones does propose, but you can’t help but wonder: did he do so because he really wanted to or did he do so because he felt pressure from Chrissy?

It’s not secret; if a man is getting the milk for free, many times (not all), he isn’t going to be in a rush for marriage. Why should Jim Jones be in a hurry to get married? He loves her. They have been together for seven years and live together.  She has already proposed, he wears the ring she gave him and acknowledges her as his partner by “default” (his words, not mine).

Personally, I don’t know if I could stay. I don’t believe that a woman should have to “beg” for a man’s hand in marriage. After awhile I’d get tired of wanting something my significant other doesn’t appear to want for the relationship. I know I know, some men are scared. Others love the woman they are with but think things will change once the marriage title is added to the relationships.  While I commend Chrissy for going after what she wants by proposing to Jim Jones last year, that’s not something I would’ve done; call me old fashion!  A man who loves a woman unconditionally and wants to spend the rest of his life with her will put aside his fears and step up.

I also think that if I have done all I can to express my love for a man and desire to want to spend the rest of my life with him and that is not reciprocated, it’s probably time to take a step back and re-evaluate if that’s really a situation we need to be in. Especially if both parties’ expectation for the relationship are not the same.

Ladies, if you’re ready for marriage and he isn’t, how long do you stay until he is?

This past summer, Modern Day Matchmaker Paul Carrick Brunson issued a summer dating challenge for women. He’s back with a similar challenge this holiday season.  By January 1st, 2012, us single ladies are challenged to ask and go out on at least 10 dates with 10 different men! I know you’re probably wondering, “how are we going to do that?!” Well, it looks like we have to be big girls and take the initiative to ask 10 men out on a date.

Known as the #PCBChallenge on twitter, there are 10 reasons women should participate according to Brunson:

1. Men Are Open To Being Asked Out

2. It’s Not Emasculating

3. You Don’t Really Have To Pay

4. It’s a confidence booster

5. Increase Your Social Skills

6. Comparison Investing Is The Way To Go

7. It’s Time To Do Things Differently

8. Nothing Just Happens

9. Brunson has seen It Work

10.  If Brunson Is Wrong, He’ll Owe You

Over the summer, one of my friends encouraged me to take this similar challenge but I failed miserably! I don’t think I went on one single date because I did not take the initiative to ask. I haven’t decided if I’m going to try the holiday challenge, but I guess I should decide soon since we literally have 5 weeks left in 2011.  I mean I may not find 10 guys to ask on a date between now and January 1st, but one is better than none right?  Plus who wouldn’t want to gain some of the benefits Brunson listed above?

Ladies, are you up for the Modern Day Matchmaker Holiday Dating Challenge? To officially enter, Go to www.facebook.com/PaulCBrunson and post on the wall or tweet @PaulCBrunson stating “I take the #PCBchallenge.” Then identify 10 men and go on dates.  The final step is to report to Brunson on January 2nd with an overview of your process and results.

For more information on the 10 reasons you should participate in the challenge, click HERE.

I have reached a point of frustration when it comes to my dating life. I’m not even sure you can call it a dating life since it has really been non-existent since I was of the dating age.  But when it comes to my interaction with males, it’s really starting to take its toll on my esteem.

Over the years, I’ve been told that I’m pretty, I’m “wifey” material and any man would be lucky to be with me.  However time and time again I have found that those qualities are not good enough or not what men are really looking for.  More often than not, I have found myself interacting with guys who, at the end of the day, think I’m only good enough to flirt with; never anything more.

I will admit that in the past, when it came to dating, I was a little reserved.  But over the last few years, I made a vow to be more open to giving guys my number and appearing more available. I mean, I’m not getting any younger and if I do want to eventually be in a relationship, I have to be proactive right?

So I took the advice of friends to be less reserved and even after doing so I have gotten nowhere!  I gave one guy my number and later found out the reason he never called to ask me out was because I look like I require too much. What exactly is that suppose to mean?! Can men these days not handle a confident, educated, driven, caring and social woman? If that is the case, then I, along with so many other women I know, are in a lot of trouble when it comes to dating!

Now I know some will say “there are plenty of guys that are out there, but you’d never give them a chance.”  However, I do believe that there has to be an attraction from both parties in order for there to be an interest in dating.  This may be one of the many problems contributing to my current status, but I’m just being honest.

The older we get the more serious we become about relationships. I have two friends that were married within the last year while a number of others are in relationships. It never really bothered me before but now that I’m now closer to 30 than 19 (my dad’s saying, not mine), I begin to take a more serious look at finding a mate.

I know I will be in a relationship when the time is right and at this point I have to truly believe that. I do not pray to God to find me a mate; instead I pray that I be ready when he arrives. I understand, I’m currently on my grind to get my business going and continuing to work toward moving past a place of just being so right now probably is not a good time to focus on dating. All I do know that is after hearing one thing (you’re great, you’re so fly, etc), but experiencing another (not being enough) for so long, no matter what I believe, I can’t help but entertain the question, is there something wrong with me?

It’s that time of year again! Cuffin’ Season aka Cuddle Buddy Season is underway. It’s that time during the fall months when men (and women) look for companionship to keep them warm during the cold winter months as my friend Earl so eloquently explained in last year’s “Cuddle Buddy Season” post.

I knew the season was alive and well, but I had no idea there was a schedule to follow!  The calendar below began floating around twitter last month and I’ve seen it posted on two blogs over the past week.  So of course I thought it would only be right that I share the calendar to help those of you who are fully engaged in Cuffin’ Season stay on track.

Fellas, are you on track with the above calendar? The calendar is obviously written for men to follow. Ladies, do you participate in Cuffin’ Season (Cuddle Buddy Season)?

Check out the guys at Single Black Male for seven tips on how to navigate through the season.

Every month, Washington Life Magazine features a story on an attractive single in the DC area.  This time around, the magazine would like to compile a list of the ultimate twenty something singles in the DMV. They will be the top 20 singles of the year.

Ursula Lauriston, the author of Twenty Something, is seeking super attractive, smart, fun-loving, goodhearted and outgoing people. In order to be considered for the list, you must be under 30 years old, SINGLE and currently living in the DMV. 

If you (or someone you know) are interested in being considered, email Ursula at lauristonu@gmail.com with a photo of yourself, your age and a few facts about yourself.  All information must be submitted by Monday, August 29^th at 12pm.

Are you a top 20 single of the year?

Twenty Something is a social diary where she sounds off weekly on dating, D.C nightlife and events, career etiquette, and more. You can follow Ursula on twitter at @urdiggy.

Jill Scott is not only creating a lot of buzz surrounding her new album, but she’s also creating a lot of discussions regarding her recent tweets on open relationships:

“What do you think about “open relationships? Been considering.

Many friends are making it work. Not sure if I’m that girl but not sure if I’m not. Sometimes there’s an understanding that nobody else gets.

I’m certain of what I want and deserve. Still so many marriages fail. Worth the questions. Worth the thought. For some it’s a turn on.”

While a number of people do engage in this type of relationship, the buzz around Jill Scott’s tweets does raise two questions:  what is the true meaning of an open relationship and why would two people in a relationship agree to have one?

According to Wikipedia, an open relationship is:

a relationship in which the people involved agree that they want to be together, but in which romantic or sexual relationships with additional people are accepted, permitted or tolerated.

Now that we all know the real definition of an open relationship, why would two people agree to have one?  Is it suppose to keep things spicy in their own relationship? If two people are married, does it allow them to enjoy the benefits of marriage but seek whatever is “missing” without having to divorce?

I don’t know the answer to why someone would agree to this arrangement, but what I do know is that I wouldn’t be one of them.  In my opinion, an open relationship is technically cheating on your spouse, but you’re not calling it cheating because you both agreed to the arrangement. Not only do you run the risk of catching something if either spouse decides not to practice safe sex, but you also run the risk of someone becoming emotionally attached to whomever they are seeing outside of the relationship? Then what?

I would never entertain the idea of open relationships.  If I’m in a relationship with a guy, I have agreed to be in a monogamous relationship.  Being in a relationship means that two people have committed to being with each other, no one else.  The only sexual and romantic relationship going on will be between the two of us!  I mean, if you’re going to have an open relationship, why not stay single and just date??

What are your thoughts on open relationships? Have you ever been in one? Have you considered having an open relationship?

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I was watching “Single Ladies” (I love this show) last night and the topic of deal breakers came up. Val and Jerry have a wonderful relationship; however, Jerry has four kids and has been married and divorced 3 times. Val on the other hand has never been married and definitely envisions having children in her future.

Jerry proposed to Val that they could have a life together but it would just be the two of them; no kids and no marriage.  I was surprised that her friends encouraged her to think about just being with Jerry despite him not wanting the same future she wants.

So I pose the question, if you were with someone who did not share the same views as you did when it came to deal breakers, would you end the relationship? I know, they are called deal breakers for a reason so why would you stay?  But often times, we all say we want x, y and z until we’re caught up in the rapture.  Once we’re in love, we sometimes view things differently and our wants change.  Maybe we don’t have to get married. Maybe we don’t have to have kids.

Would you ever be willing and able to compromise on those things called deal breakers because you were so in love?

At the end of the episode, Val decided to end her relationship with Jerry. She couldn’t be in a relationship with him trying to make that enough.

Meeting people you’d be interested in dating is a lot easier said than done (at least it is in my case).  And these days, we all need to step outside of the box, and our comfort zone, in order to meet new people.

District365 offers an innovative way to meet singles and enjoy various venues in the city (restaurants, winery, Potomac cruise) through the First Date Factory.

Here’s how it works:

• Singles click HERE to provide an email address
• Each day you’ll get an email with the profile of a single professional in the DC area and their date location
• Click through to the site to find out more about them and contact them if you’re interested.
• If you hit it off, go on the date sponsored by District365.  Yup, it’s already paid for.

The First Date Factory is completely free! We all know, the summer time is the perfect opportunity to get out, meet people and have a great time dating.  As someone who is being more open when it comes to dating, the First Date Factory is something I may just have to try.  I mean going out with someone new and exploring the city for free couldn’t be that bad, could it??

Lauren has known Michael for 6 years and they have a great friendship. They each considered the other to be one of their best friends, but after being friends for so many years, Lauren found herself catching feelings;  she doesn’t know why, she just did.  Now Lauren is the type who does not like catching feelings, especially for friends because it NEVER turns out in her favor. In this case, given the situation, liking one of her best male friends was just not an option and to be honest, feeling this way about Michael made her feel very uncomfortable.  Liking him was so wrong!

While she expressed to Michael that she liked him as more than a friend, she realized she was in love with him. She didn’t want to admit it, but the way she felt about him was completely different than she had ever felt about any other guy she liked in the past.  Was it possible to be in love with someone you weren’t dating?

Regardless of Lauren’s feelings, being more than friends was not going to work, at least not now, so she finds herself trying to figure out how to get over him.  After all, Michael is her friend and someone who she imaged would always be in her life.  Would it be selfish of her to end the friendship so that she can move on? Does she remain present in his life, but from a distance, so they can attempt at having a friendship like they did before?

When you’re caught up in the rapture and feel like you’re in love with someone, you feel like they are the one; they are going to be in your life forever. However, in many cases, your first is not your last, so how do you get over your first love? How does one get over a first so they can experience love again? In this case, how does Lauren get over her first so she can be open to receive love and experience what it’s like for someone to love her back?